hihihi!! welcome to my diary! this is basically where i talk more about things that have been on my mind, rather than my blog that talks more about things that have recentlly happened (travel, school, etc.)
that also means that these "pages" (heh. see what i did there?) might contain mentions of suicide and other not so fun topics. view at your own risk.
if lost, please return to june-bug. thank you!
date: 7/28/26
mood: hopeless
Dear diary,
as some may already know, my cat bit my macbook last night, causing the screen to break.
well, not the whole thing. Just the corner but i have to be really careful with it because it could spread to other areas of the screen.
however, thats not exactly what i’m going to talk about.
that night, i was panicking really hard. Even though it was just a little crack, I have alottttt of important files in this thing which it would probably kill me if they were deleted. Like i was genuinely shaking and i couldnt speak right or anything. My mom said to me, “if this is what your panicking about, then you're not going to be able to survive as an adult.” and like. I KNOWWWWW??? i've already decided that i’m gonna kill my myself before i reach adulthood, because i’m aware i wouldnt be able to take it and end up ruining my life and ending up on the streets spending my last dollars on beer and cocaine. i've grown up very privileged and i never really learned how to do the most basic things, like washing my clothes or making literally any type of food or being able to take care of myself. I get really mad when i have to do chores and shit but this is literally what i’m gonna have to be doing everyday when i’m an adult. I can’t even follow simple directions, so i won’t be able to get a job because i know i’m gonna mess everything up. I can’t do anything independently. Someone always has to be reminding me to do things and even then i sorta have this bad habit where i don’t do something until i get told to do it the second time. i've been scolded for this countless times, yet i can never change. I guess all i can really do now is enjoy my childhood while it lasts and overdose or something before i go to colledge. I feel really guilty because i know my parents are so excited to see their little girl go to college and graduate and get a job and things like that. But i know i’m not capable for any of those. for now, i will daydream about the alternate universe where i am competent and grow up to be successful. things i will never be.